"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I dreamt about you. You died.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Why are mountains always sleepy? Because they n-Everest.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
How about a kanga-root?
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
All stereos are so typical.
Go to BabaMail
