What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
You mermake me happy.
When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
How do you get down off a horse?
You don’t, you get down off a duck.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Has a guy ever walked up to you just to tell you how beautiful you are?
They must have been much drunker than I am.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
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