What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
"You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope."
― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
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