What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
Would you like to share fire with me?
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
I used to believe in natural theology, but since I met you I've converted to divine revelation.
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
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