What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
There was a Young Girl of Majorca,
Whose aunt was a very fast walker;
She walked seventy miles,
And leaped fifteen stiles,
Which astonished that Girl of Majorca.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
"I'm nuts about you."
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
"I mead more wine."
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
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