I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
I find you very a-peeling.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.
What do you call a fascist mosquito?
Benito Mosquitollini.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
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