Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
You're so fine that I wouldn't care if you were dead or alive!
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
Go to BabaMail
