How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
We are mint to be.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day!
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
I hope you prefer men who take grooming seriously.
"Read between the wines."
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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