What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Could I have your name and number for my prayer list?
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper
Corona crisis reaches new level:
Iran out of toilet paper.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Which knight is the protector of foods?
Sir Anwrap
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
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