How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
What is a cactus’ favorite MC Hammer song?
Can’t touch this.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
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