Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What do you call a problematic person with a gun?
A troubleshooter.
Are you my appendix? Because I don't understand how you work but this feeling in my stomach makes me want to take you out.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
Irish you luck.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
I have been saying "mucho" more often while talking to my Hispanic friends
It means a lot to them.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
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