What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
Can I be Candide with you?
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
Is it hot in here or am I just wearing two pairs of long johns?
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
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