If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
Best in snow.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
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