What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What did the koala radio host say before going on a commercial break? “We’re going to take a small paws for our sponsors.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?
Are you a fruit, because Honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
Hexagon.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy? Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
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