What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
"You are so bottlefull to me."
King Arthur's Round Table was built by Sir Cumference.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano?
I really lava you!
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
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