What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
My little brother had to stay with our parents when we went to Italy. I was free to Rome.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Cutest clover in the patch.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
How about you let me take you to the Planetarium? You seem to belong there since your beauty is celestial.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
You’re more special than relativity.
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
How could the skeleton tell that rain was coming?
He could feel it in his bones.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
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