A boy ghost thought a girl ghost was cute so he asked if she would be his ghoul-friend.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
you must be augmented cause my love for you just won't diminish!
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
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