There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
I love you from my head tomatoes.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Nothing really mattress.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Did you hear the joke about the elephant who was stuck in a tree last spring? To get down, she had to sit down on a branch and wait until fall.
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