Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Water you doing on [date]?
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Nice to meet you, Jasmine… so shall we remove the Jas and just make you Mine?
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
As it snow happens.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
He threw three free throws.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
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