"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
It takes one to snow one.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
What is an evil dictator’s favorite type of weather?
A rain of terror.
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.
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