Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
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