Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Are you a banker?
Because you need to leave me a loan.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
May I have your number, so we stop being strangers?
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What do you get when you dump your Easter eggs on a hill?
A spring roll!
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
What do you call a bee that comes back from the dead?
Zombee
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
I was at a funeral & asked the priest for the WiFi password
"Have some respect for the dead!" he said
I replied "Is that all lower case?"
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
You mermake me happy.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
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