“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien

You are my raisin to smile.

How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!

Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Can I?

Why was the broom late? It over swept!

What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."

Looks like I’ve finally found my one and Zoe

What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.

Witch fall flavor is your favorite?

What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.

I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.

"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy

There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.

What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.

What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.

"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."

- Chelsea Peretti

What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite

What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”

When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”

Prepare to be bowled over.

What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.

I’m going green, if you know what I mean.

Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?

Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”

"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."

- Earl Blumenauer.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.

I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.

Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.

What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.

Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?

Answer: Peach gobbler!

What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.

Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.

Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.

How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."

What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.

I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.

Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.

It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.

My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."

- Jim Gaffigan