“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
I heard the King of spain caught Covid...
Heard he tested positive while on his plane going somewhere, now he has to quarantine there.
So the Reign in Spain remains solely on the Plane.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
I think you're barbe-cute.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
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