You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Bookworms take shelfies.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
What did the girl say before making a big decision?
‘Do not pressure me.’
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
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