What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Vladimir Putin's approval rate is 80%...
The other 20% are missing.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Fishing you a happy day.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
What’s the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles because there’s a mile between each s.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.
I'm giving away a free legless parrot.
No perches necessary.
Shell yeah.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Is your nickname cream cheese? Because you’re about to get bageled.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
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