A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.

Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!

I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.

It’s so hot McDonald’s is frying burgers on parked cars.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

If I were a furry bear.
And had a furry tummy.
I'd climb into a honey jar
And make my tummy yummy!

Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!

Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett

I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.

What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.

What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.

Nice Ass-teroid.

When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.

“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.

What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant?
An ice burger extra cheese.

What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.

A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”

What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.

Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business

What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.

What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!

De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.

“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”

- Erma Bombeck.

Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.

A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.

Did the sun come up or did you just smile at me?

Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine

"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.

Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.

Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.

Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.

Where do fish sleep? In a river bed

What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.

It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.

What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.

Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.

Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.

Time to celery-brate.

I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.