What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
What happened to the pirate who lost his peg leg?
He couldn't find it, so he was stumped.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
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