Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Fairies just spell trouble.
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
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