What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Go big or go gnome.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
"Stop and smell the rosé."
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
Does your Dad own Snapple, because you're made of the best stuff on earth?
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew know who fine you're looking?
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
I sure hope you know set theory, ’cause I wanna intersect and union with you.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
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