No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why is there no COVID cases in Antarctica
Because it’s so ice-o-lated
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
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