My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
I can out here for an easy run, but you make my heart do speed work
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
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