I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
I like you a latte.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What superhero takes public transportation to get around? Bus Lightyear.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
"I lava you."
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
"Love the wine you're with."
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me."
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
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