I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What did snow white say when she came out of the photo booth?
Some day my prints will come.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
"Say you'll be wine."
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
What is the hippest kind of fruit? A bae-nae-nae.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
What did the mother cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
How was Heaven when you left it?
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
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