Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
I’ve loved my vacation in France, but it’s time to Hugo.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white? Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."
Witch you were here.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What did the maggot say to another?
What's a nice maggot like you doing in a joint like this?
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
What can I say? I enjoy going to court.
So sue me.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
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