“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
Why are pickles in sandwiches always so polite?
They're well-bread.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
Wear green, or leaf.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
I can heartly wait to see you.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
The other day a tree asked for my help with kindling a grass route movement.
I said I wood because it's got a lot growing for it.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
Because Noah was standing on the deck.
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
Case in punt
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