Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.

Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque

What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite

What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.

What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!

What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.

What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.

Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.

"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman

What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.

Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.

Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.

What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.

Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!

Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.

Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.

"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman

Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.

Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!

Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau

Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.

Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.

“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser

"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."

Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”

What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!

Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.

HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!

The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.

"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho

What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.

“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti

Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.

I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.

Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.

What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
Bamboozled!

Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.

My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.

What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.

Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.