René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.

Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat

Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.

“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”

When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?

What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.

“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson

What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.

Want to start a Hula band that covers music by Poison.
Gonna call it Poi, Son.

I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"

Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth

Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.

If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon

Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.

“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”

Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.

What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.

In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.

Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.

How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!

What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.

What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.

I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!

How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.

How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.

What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter

What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.

My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.

You'd make for some real smooth sailing

"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'

"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe

My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.

Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!

What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.

What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.

A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.

Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.

What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.