“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
What did one flea say to the other?
Shall we walk, or shall we take the dog?
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
How do bats greet a friend?
With a sound wave.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
Why couldn't the father afford to take his kids to classical music concerts?
Because he was Baroque
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
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