Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
What kind of institution is Marriage?
One where a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
So, what do you turn into at midnight?
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
I was playing chess with my son and he said, "Let’s make this interesting!"
So we stopped playing chess.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
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