What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I scored when I met you.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
I think, therefore I’m single.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
You are so cute, you’ve Lily got me hooked
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
Go to BabaMail
