What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Can I be Candide with you?
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Go to BabaMail
