“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”

- Hebrew Proverb.

What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.

What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!

Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby

I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.

Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!

If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.

My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.

Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.

I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.

What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!

Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…

I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.

I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?

Things ran more fluidly.

“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard

What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.

What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!

What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.

I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.

“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster

“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.

What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”

That’s a-may-zing!

it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.

"Sip happens."

I'm not wearing any socks. And I have the panties to match.

“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous

How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!

When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?

My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.

Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”

- Ann Landers.

"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.

Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society

What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.

What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.

I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside

The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.