What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
You're hotter than sulfuric acid and sugar and you smell twice as sweet.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
Feb-paw-hairy
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Why do men name their penises? Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
You make my heart skip a beet.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
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