What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
There once was a lovely young witch,
Who never wore a single stitch;
One Halloween night,
She gave quite a fright,
To some hags who had gathered in a ditch.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
I like you, you croc my world.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
If you don’t properly seal the lids on your spice rack...
You’re going to have a bad Thyme.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
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