You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
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