What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
What is a car’s favourite job?
Caretaker.
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.
As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.
Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.
"Uncanny!" He thought. "I've arrived at a strange stage of my life".
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
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