My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
Don’t go bacon my heart.
I bet we could do some good interval training together.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.
Me without you is like a sneaker without laces.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
Wear green, or leaf.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
I’d be Ju-lyin’ if I said you weren’t super cute
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
When I first saw you I looked for a signature, because every masterpiece has one.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Live to tell the tail.
Go to BabaMail
