How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
The river fish went to the library and asked if he can get a book. The librarian said: "You can start by-rowing it."
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
What do you call a person missing 75%, of their spine?
A quarterback.
Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?
Because the sun is really hot.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
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