I like you sow much.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up
(Ogden Nash)

Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.

Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.

“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.

“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown

Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.

Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.

Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.

Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.

What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)

Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.

I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"

A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.

I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.

What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.

What are ants made of?
Antimatter.

I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.

Wish I was British so I could say "could you polish me nob?"

What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.

The snuggle is real.

Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.

I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.

The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.

What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.

We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.

“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!

Need an ark?
I noah guy.

Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.

My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.

What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.

The river turned out to be a great party guy because he just went with the flow.

I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.

- Kim Merryman

What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!

A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.