If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
That’s a bit mulch.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rome!
Rome who?
Rome is where the heart is!
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
I feel tail great!
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
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