What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why does Foghorn Leghorn take it slow when April rolls around?
Because he’s no spring chicken!
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
I think you are a horror movie because I can't sleep when I think about you.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
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