You’re my lucky charm.

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve

If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!

My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.

I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.

Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.

Keep calm and leprech-on.

I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault

"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."

Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!

What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

"You are so bottlefull to me."

“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”

Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.

What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.

Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.

I would love to show you first class.

I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.

What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!

I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.

What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!

What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!

Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!

What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.

Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.

It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!

“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw

What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.

Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.

Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night

From hells realm
Making me take flight

I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer

And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser

Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits

They were no defence
Against evil spirits

- Paul Curtis

Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.

"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault

"I'm eggs-hausted."

Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid

What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."