Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
What’s black and white and goes round and round?
A panda stuck in a revolving door.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Knock Knock Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe help me with my homework?
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
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