My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.
You be the battery, I’ll be the aluminum foil and together we’ll light up the world.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
As soon as I saw your face, I knew you weren’t just the average Jo
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
"No eggs-cuses."
It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
You’re Isaacly my type
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
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