I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.

What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Water!
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!

Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.

I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.

Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.

Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.

I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!

“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”

Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.

What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!

I want a taste of your Milky Way.

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown

What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.

Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"

I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.

You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!

Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.

Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.

The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.

What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

What did Train say when they visited a sibling in South Korea?
Hey, Seoul Sister!

I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.

Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.

My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.

Why did the River need Jesus? It was dammed.

How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!

Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.

What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus

Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY

What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.

My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.

Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.

You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!

When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.

When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."

I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.

Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?

If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.