“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How hot does your gas oven get?
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
In my own version of the periodic table of elements, the number one element is U.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
My skate blade is not the only thing made of steel.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
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