The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What did the mama elf say to her mischievous child?
“Stop elvesdropping on Santa!”
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Hey, baby, you’re not Paradise Lost, you’re Paradise Regained.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Hey girl, you make my heart flutter kick.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?
A porky-pine.
What did the jockey respond when someone asked to ride his horse?
“Dis-mount is mine.”
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
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