"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Every piece of you is sweet.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
If you were coffee grounds, you’d be espresso ’cause you’re so fine.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
The superconductor left without resistance.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
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