IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
Why do stoner tourists spend so much money while on a skiing holiday at Aspen?
Because they're high rollers!
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
Where do vampires go to buy their art supplies? Pencilvania.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”
Your name is insert name here?
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
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