Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
My software never has bugs.
It just develops random features.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
We must be a cast on a spiral fracture, girl. Because we’re on a serious break.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
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