You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
I Ecuador you.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
— Greg Tamblyn
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
I can score more often than the average soccer player.
I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
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