What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!

Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.

I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.

Yoda one for me!

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.

What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?

Van Hailin’.

“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”

"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

Is a goat that eats office supplies on a staple diet?

Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.

From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.

Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.

What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.

Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.

“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown

I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.

“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris

Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers

What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh

What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.

What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.

I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.

What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.

“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.

What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.

Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.

Why did the computer wear glasses?
To improve its web sight.

What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!

Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.

Do you climb? Because baby I can be your rock

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown

Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.

Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.

What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.