“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Thin grippy thick slippery.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
"Reti or not, here I come!"
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