I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
I'm 6'6", 280lb, and I've played piano for 23 years
I'm a huge pianist.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Red ship hits Blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
I could never Passover you.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
A centipede was happy quite,
Until a frog in fun
Said, “Pray, which leg comes after which?”
This raised her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in the ditch
Considering how to run.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
When is a vegetable also a nut?
When it’s a corn!
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
Fred fed Ted bread and Ted fed Fred bread.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
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