Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
I was wondering if you like science because I have had my ion you for some time.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Is that the sun coming up?
Or is it just you lighting up my world?
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
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