It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off!
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Hi, you’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line. Would you settle for just flowers?
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
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