Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see!
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not pizza.”
― Unknown
Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What do cars play at the weekend?
Golf.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
What do you call an owl dressed in armor?
A knight owl.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
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