How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

When a ship or Vikings suddenly vanishes
There's a disturbance in the Norse

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th

Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.

How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.

Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.

I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.

Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.

It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.

Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!

What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.

My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.

My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.

When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton

Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.

Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.

Have you seen the new movie with the Dachshund?
Apparently it’s an Oscar Weiner.

When is a cow hairy on the inside and the outside at the same time?
When it's stood in the doorway of the barn.

Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police

“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter

Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.

Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.

My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.

What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.

Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.

I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.

Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.

It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.

Why was the tree so embarrassed during the winter? After her leaves fell, she felt naked.

Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.

What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!

Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?

Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.

What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!

My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.

I'm a fairy.
My name's Nuff. Fair enough.