Me without you is like a nerd without braces,
A shoe without laces,
ASentenceWithoutSpaces.

Gold riddance.

Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.

Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.

What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!

“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar

This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.

The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.

If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.

But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.

And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.

Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.

- Catherine Pulsifer

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!

“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)

Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).

Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.

The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!

Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!

“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx

When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.

If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.

Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.

It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”

In a conversation between one pin and another, one said, “Let us never split.”

“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice

What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.

Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.

“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”

Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.

I'm actually way hotter than poutin.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ivan.

Ivan who?

Ivan to do something naughty with you.

Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.

What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!

Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?

"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."

Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!

"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore

19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.

What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.

Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!